Carry On - OzChess

**jargonista** · 08-22-2007, 11:01 PM

BLONDE JOKE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all

over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,

then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble

these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a

nice cup of tea, and then ....." he said with a deep sigh,

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

**Ziah** · 08-23-2007, 07:44 PM

Seen that one a million times

.

**Iconoclast** · 08-23-2007, 08:45 PM

The funniest joke I have heard in several years goes:

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have to have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife snears and says: "Actually, I think you'll find, that that pig is a sheep."

Man replies: "Actually, I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

**Just2Good** · 08-27-2007, 05:45 AM

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

**Just2Good** · 09-06-2007, 11:48 PM

In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say: "What a clever dog!" But the man protests: "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"

**Iconoclast** · 09-07-2007, 08:44 AM

A man walks into a bar and says, "Jezz, that hurt."

**hugodiaz** · 09-10-2007, 10:43 PM

Originally Posted by Iconoclast

A man walks into a bar and says, "Jezz, that hurt."

Haha, that was so bad that it actually made me laugh.

The blonde joke was also good, but unfortunately I heard it before.

**jargonista** · 10-08-2007, 11:58 PM

http://www.cranberryleague.com/Who1st/Who1sts.htm

I wonder if on youtube.

**Just2Good** · 10-10-2007, 08:39 PM

Originally Posted by jargonista

http://www.cranberryleague.com/Who1st/Who1sts.htm

I wonder if on youtube.

If you can find it on YouTube Private Message me and I will put it up here.

New Joke

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered.

Both listened intently and heard the Scouts.

"One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other,

"Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

**TheObserver** · 10-13-2007, 09:53 AM

Two Irish ducks are flying through the air.
The leader says Quack Quack!
The other one says Im comin as quack as I can!

**jargonista** · 11-08-2007, 09:58 AM

I had to look this word up from the newspaper

rou·é /ruˈeɪ, ˈrueɪ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[roo-ey, roo-ey] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun a dissolute and licentious man; rake.

Used by a female reporter to describe herself.

**Iconoclast** · 11-08-2007, 03:29 PM

A lone mountain climber slips and finds himself dangling from his rope 1000m above the valley floor. He can't climb up the rope and the swing takes him to smooth rock.
"HELLOOOOOOOO. CAAAN A

Y-ONE HEEEELP MEEEEE?"
The clouds parted and a holy light shone through on the man. Then came a mightly voice.
"USE YOUR KNIFE TO CUT THE ROPE."
The man whips out his Swiss Army Knife, puts it to the rope, hesitates ...
"HELLOOOOOOOO. CAAAN A

Y-ONE ELSE HEEELP MEEEEE."

**Chessic-Adventures** · 11-11-2007, 04:47 PM

A housewife is at home "entertaining" with a younger man, while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home, sees his mum in bed with some guy, and hides in the closet.

10 minutes later, the husband comes home from work unexpectedly, and the wife quickly tells the guy to go and hide in the closet.

A small voice says: "Oooh, it's dark in here."

"Whoa, who's that? What do you want?"

"Will you buy my soccer ball for $250?"

"No way."

"Well if you don't, I'll just ask my dad to come in here."

"No, don't do that. Here's the money."

The next week, the same thing happens. The wife is having private time with the guy. The boy comes home and hides in the closet. The husband comes home unexpectedly and the lover has to get back into the closet.

"OOhhh, it's dark in here."

"Great. What do you want this time?"

"I'll sell you my soccer boots for $750."

"That's a complete.....oh, alright then, just this once."

That weekend, dad wants to play soccer with the son in the back yard. The kid says he can't because he sold his boots and ball for $1,000. The father is disgusted that his son would rip off his schoolmates in this way, and insists that the boy go with him to Church on Sunday to confess his actions in ripping people off.

The two set out for Church the next day. The boy goes into the dark confessional booth. The priest comes in and slides open the little window.

"OOohh, it's dark in here."

Priest: "Don't bloody well start that again!"

**sacback** · 11-30-2007, 04:08 AM

Interesting chess blog. It has some humor to it, check it out:

http://chessloser.wordpress.com/

**jargonista** · 12-17-2007, 02:26 PM

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who
interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC
interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a
Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

08-22-2007, 11:01 PM	#1 (permalink)
jargonista Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 43	Carry On BLONDE JOKE A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ....." he said with a deep sigh, "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

08-27-2007, 05:45 AM	#4 (permalink)
Just2Good Tin Cup Champ 2004 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Cairns Posts: 6,233 ICC Handle: Advantage FICS Handle: Advantage	2 Hunters "Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" __________________ . "The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing." ~ Isaiah Berlin ~

09-06-2007, 11:48 PM	#5 (permalink)
Just2Good Tin Cup Champ 2004 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Cairns Posts: 6,233 ICC Handle: Advantage FICS Handle: Advantage	Dog Chess Player! In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say: "What a clever dog!" But the man protests: "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!" __________________ . "The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing." ~ Isaiah Berlin ~

09-10-2007, 10:43 PM	#7 (permalink)
hugodiaz Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: China (Yes, really) Posts: 14	Originally Posted by Iconoclast A man walks into a bar and says, "Jezz, that hurt." Haha, that was so bad that it actually made me laugh. The blonde joke was also good, but unfortunately I heard it before.

10-10-2007, 08:39 PM	#9 (permalink)
Just2Good Tin Cup Champ 2004 Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Cairns Posts: 6,233 ICC Handle: Advantage FICS Handle: Advantage	Joke from the cemetery Originally Posted by jargonista http://www.cranberryleague.com/Who1st/Who1sts.htm I wonder if on youtube. If you can find it on YouTube Private Message me and I will put it up here. New Joke Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me." As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town. "Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!" "What's the matter?" his father asked. "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!" The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong. "Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..." The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!" The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all." __________________ . "The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing." ~ Isaiah Berlin ~

08-23-2007, 07:44 PM	#2 (permalink)
Ziah Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 28	Seen that one a million times .

08-23-2007, 08:45 PM	#3 (permalink)
Iconoclast Immoderator Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Wollongong NSW Posts: 2,302	The funniest joke I have heard in several years goes: Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says: "This is the pig I have to have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife snears and says: "Actually, I think you'll find, that that pig is a sheep." Man replies: "Actually, I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

09-07-2007, 08:44 AM	#6 (permalink)
Iconoclast Immoderator Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Wollongong NSW Posts: 2,302	A man walks into a bar and says, "Jezz, that hurt."

10-08-2007, 11:58 PM	#8 (permalink)
jargonista Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 43	http://www.cranberryleague.com/Who1st/Who1sts.htm I wonder if on youtube.

10-13-2007, 09:53 AM	#10 (permalink)
TheObserver Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3	Two Irish ducks are flying through the air. The leader says Quack Quack! The other one says Im comin as quack as I can!

11-08-2007, 09:58 AM	#11 (permalink)
jargonista Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 43	I had to look this word up from the newspaper rou·é /ruˈeɪ, ˈrueɪ/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[roo-ey, roo-ey] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun a dissolute and licentious man; rake. Used by a female reporter to describe herself.

11-08-2007, 03:29 PM	#12 (permalink)
Iconoclast Immoderator Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Wollongong NSW Posts: 2,302	A lone mountain climber slips and finds himself dangling from his rope 1000m above the valley floor. He can't climb up the rope and the swing takes him to smooth rock. "HELLOOOOOOOO. CAAAN AY-ONE HEEEELP MEEEEE?" The clouds parted and a holy light shone through on the man. Then came a mightly voice. "USE YOUR KNIFE TO CUT THE ROPE." The man whips out his Swiss Army Knife, puts it to the rope, hesitates ... "HELLOOOOOOOO. CAAAN AY-ONE ELSE HEEELP MEEEEE." __________________ The individual is hopeless without the group. The group is hopeless without its individuals.

11-11-2007, 04:47 PM	#13 (permalink)
Chessic-Adventures Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Sydney Posts: 221	A housewife is at home "entertaining" with a younger man, while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home, sees his mum in bed with some guy, and hides in the closet. 10 minutes later, the husband comes home from work unexpectedly, and the wife quickly tells the guy to go and hide in the closet. A small voice says: "Oooh, it's dark in here." "Whoa, who's that? What do you want?" "Will you buy my soccer ball for $250?" "No way." "Well if you don't, I'll just ask my dad to come in here." "No, don't do that. Here's the money." The next week, the same thing happens. The wife is having private time with the guy. The boy comes home and hides in the closet. The husband comes home unexpectedly and the lover has to get back into the closet. "OOhhh, it's dark in here." "Great. What do you want this time?" "I'll sell you my soccer boots for $750." "That's a complete.....oh, alright then, just this once." That weekend, dad wants to play soccer with the son in the back yard. The kid says he can't because he sold his boots and ball for $1,000. The father is disgusted that his son would rip off his schoolmates in this way, and insists that the boy go with him to Church on Sunday to confess his actions in ripping people off. The two set out for Church the next day. The boy goes into the dark confessional booth. The priest comes in and slides open the little window. "OOohh, it's dark in here." Priest: "Don't bloody well start that again!"

11-30-2007, 04:08 AM	#14 (permalink)
sacback Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 33	chess blog Interesting chess blog. It has some humor to it, check it out: http://chessloser.wordpress.com/

12-17-2007, 02:26 PM	#15 (permalink)
jargonista Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Posts: 43	THE BEST COMEBACK LINE for 2007.. For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!' General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

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