Brian

Some graziers were taking a bull to exhibition but noticed that it was cross-eyed. So they called the dentist in who pushed a hose up its backside, blowed in very hard and bingo, the eyes re-aligned.

Half way towards the show the bull went cross-eyed again, so they thought to save vet fees they would insert the hose and blow themsleves. But nothing happened. So they called in the vet again.

The vet saw the hose still up the bull, took it out, turned it around and inserted it in again. Blew his hardest and bingo, the eyes straightened again. The graziers asked him why did he reverse the hose? The vet replied: He did not want to put that end of the hose in his mouth after they had been blowing on it!!

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Brian

That was good filler ax - add to ozchessfm during ad break

Brian

How many people does it take to change mop and bucket

Three - one to find mop one to find bucket and one to restrain ex-mods

Rex

Ned had a problem with his computer yesterday, so he called Eric, the 11 year old kid next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric quickly solved the problem and Ned asked 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
Ned didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that?'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

antichrist

A deal is a deal






A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, 'D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?'



The doctor says, 'Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on.'



So he examines him and says, 'Well I think I know what the problem is.'



The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?'



The doctor says, 'Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.'



The guy says, 'Wwwat cccan we ddo?'



The doctor advises, 'Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.'



The guy says, 'Dddeal....Dddo it!'



The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says,



'Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks.



My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.'



The doctor says, 'P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!!!'

Ehm TO

LOL at AC. Love joke threads.

Have you seen the email where females are explained by Engineers?

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Camel - Welcome to flavour country!

antichrist

Alex

Alex works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Alex! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Alex. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Alex if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Alex, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Alex. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Alex's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Alex follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Alex tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Alex, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


Alex's funeral will be on Friday.

antichrist

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was Alex the gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk

Alex proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and Alex didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally Alex returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, Alex did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

Alex did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

Alex removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

Alex slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, Alex did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.


Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Ehm TO

That last one wasn't a good joke.

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Camel - Welcome to flavour country!

fatty owls

das good fo da jokin. yous well knowd fo da larfin brians !!

check ya on da flipsyd.

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RETARD WARS - harness your ignorance with the help of alex jones !!

Brian

Can I nominate this for Post of the Month?

Ehm TO

Click the little trophy next to the PM button in the postbit

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antichrist

Skinny little Indian goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little
Indian staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little Indian faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little Indian says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!

antichrist

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.




Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, just the perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi, soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man
had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual, it was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a
warm and gentle breeze, just the perfect night for romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again, he fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear......

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'